The Creased Pages

A couple of weeks ago, I took myself on holiday to Cyprus and the whole thing was full of firsts. The trip itself was my first time going to a different country (other than the few hours I spent in Scotland, which apparently doesn't count). It was my first time in an airport, my first time using my passport, my first time on a plane, my first ever flight. And I did it solo. Whenever I told anyone about that, they would say, or imply, that it was brave, but I waved it off as no big deal. I've seen plenty of videos of people having solo holidays abroad, and I'm so used to doing things on my own anyway, how different could this be? But, do you know what? It was bloody scary.

I've talked before about self-care, and what my version of that looks like. Well, my latest one is going on dates. Don't get excited, though. This isn't my way of doing a 'hard launch' (that's what kids call it these days, right?) of a new chappy in my life or anything. I've been taking myself on dates. Well, in reality I've been doing that for years. But actually labelling them as dates has added a certain something to them. I've had few spontaneous days recently where I've booked the cinema or theatre and have gone into full 'treat yourself' mode, like allowing myself to indulge in the odd cocktail and buying myself dinner. I even make a little bit of an effort to feel pretty, because that kind of thing isn't just designed to be for the benefit of other people. Tonight was a date night.

I've been trying really hard to change habits, primarily with the aim of looking after myself a little better. I banned myself from having crisps for the whole of April. Those who know me will know what a massive achievement that was for me, given that I am a self-confessed crisps addict. I've tried to go cold turkey before, but have barely lasted a couple of days. Dechox, on the other hand - that's a month without chocolate - I've managed that every year since 2017, easy peasy. But a crisps ban? It seemed impossible. But I did it, and I'm so proud of myself. Even now, when I'm allowed to have them again, I've significantly reduced how many I consume, which is a huge shift from the way I used to binge before. I'm even considering more regular bans, just so I don't feel tempted to fall back into the old routines.

I think I've finally figured it out. Why I like to spend so much time indoors, so much time on my own. When I'm inside, or in my own space, I have so much more control over what happens. Whereas, when I'm outside, I'm nothing but an easy target for the universe and its cruel tricks. What's more, out there, I'm more vulnerable to the opinions and judgement of other people. I'm more exposed to potential embarrassment and that is what I find so difficult to handle. To me, embarrassment is one of the worst feelings in the world. Hell, even when I tripped over and literally broke a bone, I was still more worried about how embarrassing the fall was and how all those people in the line of traffic must have been laughing at me.

One phenomenon of human life that always fascinates me is the ability to recognise how far we've come, even when we're oblivious to it at the time. Flipping through old photographs, for example. We might have thought that was a really cool hair cut or a very snazzy  outfit at the time, but looking back... maybe not the best choice. And yet, even in those awkward phases, we can see hints of who we were becoming - the version of ourselves who, looking back now, can laugh at how far we've come. Many times, people talk about their 'before' pictures at the start of a weight loss journey, which, in hindsight, might actually be their 'after' now. (Yes, I’ve been guilty of that one too.)

Given that today marks five years since the first lockdown was announced in the UK, it feels like a good point of reflection – you know, like the TikTok trend? Plus, I've found myself itching to write today, for some reason. Anyway. The time has passed with incomprehensible speed, but it feels like a lot has happened.

History has always fascinated me, well, local history more than anything. I mean, it was sort of interesting to learn in school about the Romans and the Battle of Hastings and all those Roundheads, but when it came to the topics about things like the two World Wars, my curiosity would lie with the social aspects of it – what life was like for those on The Home Front and the effect it had on the local areas. Even outside of the classroom, I was always looking for pictures of what the local high street looked like years ago and wondering what the house I grew up in would have looked like when it was first built. As I’ve grown up, that interest has evolved, and of course the internet has helped massively. In recent years I’ve found old maps of where I lived which was positively mesmerising. Afterwards, I would be out walking with friends and then take great pride in pointing out that a particular street we were passing used to be the location of a football ground in the 1890s. It isn’...

"All being well, it’s not going to be the quietest of years, but hopefully it’s set to be a positive one, on the whole."  - My 2020 Vision ; The Creased Pages I thought it was about time for a little update from me, given that we haven't spoken since the jigsaw rant - sorry about that. We're over a year on from then and of course I don't need to tell you what kind of year it's been for the world. If you've been living under a rock, or are perhaps a member of a future generation doing a history project, I'm sure a little search on Google (or whatever space age research tool is around in the Year 3000) will be enough to get you up to speed. The difficulty of the whole thing is that, on a personal level, it was actually a pretty good year. That sounds awful to say given the circumstances behind it, and I'm not belittling that at all. But I have to be honest, there was actually some good that came from it all for me. Not least because the near-constant...

I spent most of my week off working on a jigsaw puzzle. It was a ‘Cat Lover’s Puzzle’ with different breeds of cats depicted on it. It’s worth remembering that, it’s going to be my point of reference throughout this. It was more challenging than I had thought, particularly because of some hiccups I came across on the first day. I was trying to use a cardboard box as my Puzzle Assembly Surface (that’s its actual name) because it was the only free solid surface I had in my room and it seemed more practical than the floor. However, I soon found it was just slightly too short and too narrow which irritated me more than it probably should have done. I didn’t realise it was possible to rage-quit a jigsaw puzzle, but there we are. I started a-fresh the following day – yes, on the floor – and while I was plodding along, I found myself compiling a list in my head of the most frustrating things about doing a jigsaw puzzle. I had originally planned to tweet about it but I didn’t think it would...

So, everything’s a bit weird at the moment. Not that I need to tell you that, right? It’s been about six weeks since the UK went into lockdown. Personally, I’ve been working from home for about a month and I can’t lie, I quite like it. In the last four weeks I’ve been out no more than 5 times, just to the corner shop, which already feels like the new normal. I suppose it helps that I’m an indoorsy person anyway, but I’ve very quickly become accustomed to the convenience of not having to leave the house to go to work. Nobody who knows me will find that surprising.

I think I've mentioned before that I spend a fair amount of time on my own. Especially over the last two years, I've taken advantage of not having any ties, no one to have to work around, no one to keep happy. I can honestly say, it has been a massive relief. I'd forgotten how much easier it is to make plans without having another person to factor into them. Admittedly, at the beginning of 2018 I wasn't in the best of places, I was still holding onto some feelings that weren't good for me - guilt, anger, loneliness, regret. But as time went on, I completely embraced the full independence I'd rediscovered, and I have since referred to myself several times as a strong woman 'who don't need no man'!

January always feels like the most boring month of the year. The excitement of the festive period is over, the decorations are down, everyone is going back to work or school. Everything goes back to normal. I had the most relaxing time off. Christmas Day was spent at my brother's house with my family, including my 2-year-old niece and my 1-month old nephew. It was a lovely day, full of food, drink, cuddles and playing, although I'm quite sure I've seen enough variety of Peppa Pig toys to last me a lifetime! The days that followed were mostly spent in comfy clothes, and eating all manner of rubbish. I made a point of spending as much time as I could with my mum; I introduced her to the wonders of Netflix by bingeing a show called Frequency (which I highly recommend if you’re a fan of time travel and/or detective shows) and went on a couple of very long shopping trips at Asda with her. One of those trips was until about 1:30am. Yep.

As I sit here, watching the cursor flashing, trying to think of what to write, my mind is bulging with an array of different thoughts and feelings. Okay, I know, when are they not? It's the start of the Easter weekend, 4 days off work, so I started this morning in a relatively good mood. Unfortunately, that quickly changed. I'm now at a point where I'm glad I've not been at work, even more than I normally would be, because the mood I'm currently in is one where every little thing is pissing me off. It's a mood I've been overwhelmed by a number of times recently, and it doesn't feel at all healthy, especially given the source of it. It is so apparent to me that my mood, my chance of happiness, is dependent on - or rather, controlled by - someone else. And it's ridiculous that I should be allowing that to happen. I have this recurring problem in my personality where I become emotionally attached so easily, and in some cases it's so diff...

Deja Vu. ‘A feeling of having already experienced the present situation.’ This seems to be a recurring thing for me. Not only in the spooky ‘ooh I think I’ve dreamed about this’ way, but also in the actual ‘this keeps happening, why do I keep letting this happen, oh my gosh, I’m such an idiot’ way. History seems to repeat itself quite a bit in my life, even if initially it seems like it won’t. It’s like my life is going around in circles.

I often have battles with my own willpower. If I'm making a conscious effort to try and avoid doing something, my brain will immediately find a way to make it ten times harder. I guess that's just basic human nature, really. I may have talked about this before, but I've been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of weeks. There are a couple of things I'm struggling over at the moment, in a way it feels like I'm trying to keep control of myself, which is easier said than done. For example, I'm challenging myself to not eat chocolate every other month this year, as I like to tell anyone who'll listen. I've started that this month, and it is getting a little easier to deal with as time goes on, despite the odd craving. Although, it does help that it's being overshadowed by something else that's occupying my mind.

I spend a lot of time alone. I don't have much of a social life - especially in comparison to other people my age - and I don't have a lot of people who I would consider to be friends. Not counting family, I can probably count on one hand the people who I can spend more than a couple of hours with by choice and not start to feel on edge or anxious for it to be over. That isn't to say that I don't like the company of the other friends I have, because I really do. It's just that sometimes, little doses at a time are enough for me. I prefer, most of the time, to be alone in my own space, where I am comfortable and don't feel obliged to interact with other people.

Nothing is set in stone. Everything is always subject to change. Whether it be your health, the price of bread in the supermarket or your relationship with someone else. Nothing can live up to a promise of always staying as it is. That isn't to say that all changes are bad - much to the contrary. A change in career, for instance, or a new addition to the family or a move to a new home; these are all examples that could bring a great deal more happiness. Change is a part of life, whether it be for the better or not, and we all must come to accept it, even if we don't want to. Of course this would be influenced by the nature of the change and how it came about. Is the effect lessened if we are in control of and instigate the change? Or is it just as difficult? No matter the situation, each person is faced with a string of different emotions which of course impact on the experience and the outcome.

There are some things you can never let go of. No matter how much time has passed or what has happened since, there are certain things that will always stick in your mind. These things are all wrapped up into those crafty little devils we call feelings, almost like souvenirs.

I think too much. I've always known this to be true, and I'm fairly sure it's a feature of mine that doesn't go unnoticed to others. Especially seeing as my overthinking tends to be the catalyst of my incessant worrying. A lot has changed within the past year, in both good ways and bad, and it's safe to say that at one point, things got more than a little tough.

Life is weird, isn't it? I mean, the concept of life and what it's all for... it's just strange. My mum has always said that although she isn't religious, she does believe that our time on this Earth is mapped out from the moment we're born. In her eyes, the time and manner of our departure is already decided and there is no changing it. A fixed point, if you will. So if that's true, then that means we've all got a set amount of time in which to be born, grow up, learn, form relationships and worry about the trivial before everything just... stops. When I think of it that way, all of those little things in between the beginning and the end just seem ever so slightly less important.