The Universe and Its Tricks

I think I've finally figured it out. Why I like to spend so much time indoors, so much time on my own.

When I'm inside, or in my own space, I have so much more control over what happens. Whereas, when I'm outside, I'm nothing but an easy target for the universe and its cruel tricks. What's more, out there, I'm more vulnerable to the opinions and judgement of other people. I'm more exposed to potential embarrassment and that is what I find so difficult to handle. To me, embarrassment is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Hell, even when I tripped over and literally broke a bone, I was still more worried about how embarrassing the fall was and how all those people in the line of traffic must have been laughing at me.

Besides all that, I can't shake this feeling that the universe is out to get me. The kinds of things that others may just see as minor inconveniences actually have the potential to completely ruin my mood for the rest of the day.

Like, when I'm walking down a street and that plastic carrier bag blowing along just happens to head in my direction as I'm walking past, so it can attach itself to my legs. I'm sure there's some science behind why that happens, but in my mind, it's the universe trying to embarrass me.

Or heading through the bus station and the kids messing around just happen to kick the football in my direction at the exact moment I'm walking by. Or someone in a crowd just happens to step backwards just as I'm attempting to scooch through the gap.

Or sending an email at work where I've mis-typed something, so then have to send a revised copy, highlighting my mistake.

Those are just examples that have happened within the last week.

I am just so self-conscious, all the time.

I can't help it, though. I'm constantly worrying about how I'm perceived by others. And it is exhausting.

I worry about the way that the sudden gust of wind has made my hair look ridiculous, or whether I look stupid because I'm waiting for the green man before I cross a road, because I know that if I chance it, that's when a car will come hurtling around the corner.
On the subject of cars and roads, I have even been known to take full detours - we're talking, ending up two streets over - because a car has happened to be coming out of a side turning exactly as I was about to cross, just so I wouldn't get caught in an awkward 'no, please, after you' moment with the driver. In fact, that has happened on more occasions than I could count.

It is ridiculous, I know, but it's how my brain is wired. Any hint of embarrassment and I wind up berating myself, or getting angry at the universe. Just this week, I found myself on the brink of tears on the way to work after one of these tiny moments - yes, it involved crossing the road - and I think it largely was out of frustration. Frustration that I can't just go for a walk, go to the shops, just anything without thinking anything of it.

I think that's why I'm late to the party on so many things, because I'm spending my life avoiding awkward moments.

And I know it's a little contradictory, then, that I like to do things and go places on my own, with no one to guide me. But unfamiliar situations scare me, so I will usually stick to places or activities that I'm familiar with, where there's less chance for me to have to try something new, only to end up embarrassing myself.

Or, if I know I'm doing something I've never done before, I will research the crap out of it so I basically have a step-by-step guide in my head of what to expect.

And I suppose the beauty of being alone is that if I do anything wrong, the only people who might see are strangers who I'll likely not see again. Although, I guess the trouble with that is that I am then left to stew about it on my own, rather than having someone to laugh it off with, which is probably why the feeling lingers longer than it should. It would be nice to one day find that being in the company of someone I'm completely comfortable with means I don't have to put myself through that.

For now, though, much as I want to try to break out of my comfort zone in some aspects of life, it is still so much easier to be in my own bubble, where if I stub my toe, or drop something, there's no one around to see it, or mock me for it.

In my own space, there's no judgment. I can just be, without anyone watching.

And, more importantly, I get to have some peace.

Now Playing: Wasn't Expecting That - Jamie Lawson