Date Yourself

I've talked before about self-care, and what my version of that looks like. Well, my latest one is going on dates.

Don't get excited, though. This isn't my way of doing a 'hard launch' (that's what kids call it these days, right?) of a new chappy in my life or anything.

I've been taking myself on dates.

Well, in reality I've been doing that for years. But actually labelling them as dates has added a certain something to them. I've had few spontaneous days recently where I've booked the cinema or theatre and have gone into full 'treat yourself' mode, like allowing myself to indulge in the odd cocktail and buying myself dinner. I even make a little bit of an effort to feel pretty, because that kind of thing isn't just designed to be for the benefit of other people.

Tonight was a date night.

I've been feeling a bit naff all week, which I can't really explain, but it was starting to show. So given that payday coincided with a Friday, I decided to book myself a trip to the cinema. There wasn't anything showing that I was itching to see, but it felt like a good chance to have some me-time, just to escape for a little while.

I finished up work a little early, put on a bit of make-up and I was off.

I was a little early for the film, so I treated myself to a porn star martini while I waited, and decided to have a go at the Journal app that's been staring at me from my home screen forever but that I've never actually used. I've always used Notes for getting things out of my head, and this didn't feel much different but that's okay, it gave me somewhere to write about the way my mind has been feeling this week.

Then it was time for the film. It was the new Fantastic Four film. It was okay. It wasn't too heavy on the superhero-fight-scenes, and there was a decent level of humour to keep my interest, but I still prefer the original movies. Also, I ate way too much popcorn. Oops.

Afterwards, I made a spur-of-the-moment detour into Nando's, although I didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped and couldn't eat a lot, probably due to the aforementioned popcorn. Oops again.

Then I brought myself home. (It still makes me sad that walking at night is more scary than it is peaceful, by the way).

Now, I realise you probably didn't feel like you needed a full run-down of my evening like that. Sorry.

It's just that, I spend a lot of time criticising or berating myself. I can't help it, it's like a fact of my existence at this point.

So, dedicating time where I'm treating myself the same way I'd hope to be treated by anyone else on a date feels important. It's a chance to make a point of being kind to myself - although I know that I actually need to be doing that more often anyway.

It's also a good chance to work on my fear of being perceived. Just the fact that I'm able to do any of these things on my own means that my fear is much milder than what I imagine a lot of people go through, I acknowledge that.

But the fact that I'm still acutely aware of others around me and whether they might be paying attention to what I'm doing and, if they are, are they judging me? I'm still at the point of wondering if I just looked stupid because I couldn't work out whether to seat myself or wait to be seated, and did they notice that I'm on my own and are they laughing because the place is full of couples or friend groups and I'm the loner over there by myself and I need to go and get cutlery but I need to work out the logistics of it because I don't want to leave my bag unattended and now I look silly and... it's a lot.

Again, I don't think I'll ever be rid of that feeling completely, but hopefully I'll get to a point where I can push it to one side.

Anyway, now that I'm home, you're probably wondering: is the 'naff' feeling gone? Truthfully, no. I'm still very aware of it and the possibility that it could come crashing back before I know it, but it feels a little lighter, at least.

My friend from work texted to ask if I was feeling better and I might have fibbed a bit. At least now, though, I feel like I could put the mask back on, the one that has been gradually slipping all week because I didn't have the energy to hold it up. It's easier to put the smile on than it is to try and explain yourself.

I suppose that what I'm getting at with all this is that time for you is important, particularly time spent doing something you like to do, where you can put everything else to one side and enjoy being with yourself. Whether you're going through a bad patch or not, taking the chance to be extra kind to yourself can only be a good thing. It's almost midnight so it feels like this is getting a little too rambly, time to wrap it up.

But don't worry, I'll refrain from quoting cliches about loving yourself as an ending...

Now Playing: Afterglow - Sleep Theory