The Creased Pages

I've been trying really hard to change habits, primarily with the aim of looking after myself a little better. I banned myself from having crisps for the whole of April. Those who know me will know what a massive achievement that was for me, given that I am a self-confessed crisps addict. I've tried to go cold turkey before, but have barely lasted a couple of days. Dechox, on the other hand - that's a month without chocolate - I've managed that every year since 2017, easy peasy. But a crisps ban? It seemed impossible. But I did it, and I'm so proud of myself. Even now, when I'm allowed to have them again, I've significantly reduced how many I consume, which is a huge shift from the way I used to binge before. I'm even considering more regular bans, just so I don't feel tempted to fall back into the old routines.

I think I've finally figured it out. Why I like to spend so much time indoors, so much time on my own. When I'm inside, or in my own space, I have so much more control over what happens. Whereas, when I'm outside, I'm nothing but an easy target for the universe and its cruel tricks. What's more, out there, I'm more vulnerable to the opinions and judgement of other people. I'm more exposed to potential embarrassment and that is what I find so difficult to handle. To me, embarrassment is one of the worst feelings in the world. Hell, even when I tripped over and literally broke a bone, I was still more worried about how embarrassing the fall was and how all those people in the line of traffic must have been laughing at me.